Happy New Year!!

Its been a while since I posted but life gets away from you like that sometimes. I was worried that this holiday would be hard, but it was actually the easiest one I've had in a while, I went out to dinner with my parents and had a wonderful time just the three of us, like it was for so many years before I became an "adult" and decided to take the world on my own. My parents have been such a great source of strength these last few months. I have always had a close relationship with my parent's but I've never been the type to lean on anyone, my dad didn't raise any china dolls and I've always been determined to never act broken. I never knew that by giving up some control and leaning on them, that I would feel more centered than I have in a long time. As the holidays and the new year came upon me I felt a sense of peace and in my quiet moments I realized, I am happy. My life has changed in ways I never thought it would, and the future that I planned so carefully in my twenties has been replaced with a new zest for life. I've grown closer and reconnected with some old friends and have made some wonderful new friends.

Over the last eight years I had lost myself, I had molded my personality to try and and make it work with who everyone else wanted me to be, this year my commitment to myself (no more resolutions) is to be true to who I am, to keep the shoes that fit and move on from the ones that don't. I'm going to give more than I take, take only what I need, and offer others all that I can, no matter how things turn out the balance will always be in my favor. In my new life, and in the rediscovering of the old me I'm all in or I'm not in at all.

My nieces came down for their typical Christmas visit and we had a wonderful time. They are ten and five now and being with them is so easy and fun, though I admit I miss those cuddly baby days and a child that would fall asleep in your arms, but in exchange I have two nieces that I absolutely adore and who love me, to be loved wholly by a child is an indescribable feeling.

My sister and I and some other good friends went to First Night Raleigh, which is Raleigh's version of Times Square, we had some really good conversation, saw a really bad comedy improv show, made fun of Mia for taking so many pictures, and rang in the new year full of happiness and hope.

Insomnia

I would consider my life to be fairly normal at this point. I can eat a relatively normal diet, I can walk, I can run, I exercise, I buy clothes at regular and not plus size stores, but two problems have remained: I still struggle with acid reflux and insomnia. Tonight is one of those insomnia nights, I guess on a positive note I've gotten quite a bit of cleaning and organizing one. Insomnia is a post op problem that I have heard many other post op patients talk about, however it is not one that they tell you about when you are preparing for surgery. I would still take insomnia and acid reflux over the everyday struggle to exist I was living before surgery, but for those of you struggling with insomnia seek medical help, the insomnia may have a clinical cause.

A Tale of Two Tables

Ten years ago I moved to NC to start law school, I moved into my first apartment and filled it with hand me down furniture from various family members. My mom gave me two tables, the oak kitchen table that sat in our kitchen as I grew up, where we did crafts, ate family dinners, decorated cookies, where I did homework and my applications for college. It was scratched and scarred and I vowed I would replace it as soon as I had my first real lawyer job, I covered it with a table cloth and tried to hide what I perceived were the flaws. Ten years later I still have that table and I've made my own memories at that table. Dinner parties with friends, scrapbooking with my friends, arts and crafts with my nieces, it is now even more scratched and scarred and stained, but has no tablecloth. I have come to appreciate the scars, and the stains and I keep finding new uses for that table. The table is just like me I'm scarred, and stained and flawed, but my foundation is strong and I will always continue to find new ways to make my life important and make memories that will last a lifetime. I look at the tiny scars on my belly that are the only outward evidence of the journey I have been on and they help me remember how far I've come.

The second table was one made by my grandfather, a simple wooden table with three legs and stains on top. Another table I couldn't wait to get rid of, I tried to sell it twice and give it away once. I tried to leave it behind when I moved but somehow this table just kept coming along and every time I would be ready to take it to the dump and get rid of it I would find another way to make it useful, just today I found just another use for the table I was finally going to get rid of. Learn to appreciate the things in our life that aren't always perfect and that don't seem to always fit, because they can become useful in the most surprising ways.

Sometimes at table is not just a table.

The Flag

I bought an American flag today. I was standing on my front porch the other day just listening to the rain and I noticed, for the first time since I moved into this house three years ago, that I had a holder for a flag pole on the front of my house. My grandfather was a war veteran and his birthday was Flag Day, it was a family tradition to proudly fly the flag in his honor. Those of you that know me know that I don't believe in heaven or afterlife, but I do believe my grandfather's memory is with me now when I need him the most.

So I bought a flag. I am going to use it as a reminder to myself to stop rushing from one thing to the next and start slowing down and living life on my terms. Enjoy what I've got now and stop trying orchestrate my entire life in one day. When the flag comes I will fly it proudly, in honor of my grandfather and me.

The Mundane

What can I eat:

I can eat pretty much what I want, I try a little of everything and if something doesn't agree with me I usually don't eat it again. I cannot eat fast food, I have tried but it does not sit well with me. The only fast food I can eat (if I'm forced to eat fast food) is a Filet O Fish or shrimp from Long John Silver's. I still cannot drink plain water, at this point I may never be able to again. I am surviving on my beloved Teavana, my new obsession Tang, flavored water and whenever I can Starbucks.

Lately I have been having trouble eating, this could be due to the major changes in my life, or I could have another stricture, I see the doctor in a few weeks to follow up about this. I continue to take my vitamins and supplements that I will have to take for the rest of my life. I recently discovered Calcet Creamy Lemon Bites and I think I may be in love. I have to lock them away from myself or I would eat them like candy.

I continue to have issues with my hematocrit and hemaglobin and have been referred to a hematologist to see if they can figure out why my numbers are off, all of my other numbers seem to be good, but we'll see how my labs are after this latest round of eating issues.

I joined a gym and I can work out for an hour at a time and not leave feeling like I want to die, I have discovered the reason people rave about exercise endorphins, they really are an awesome thing.

So for all the loyal people that have been reading my blog for the past year, what do you want to know? Ask me and I'll post it up for everyone to read (anonymously of course).

Update on me

It has been one year and nineteen days since I had my surgery. My starting weight was 367 pounds I now weight 194 lbs. If you had told me this time last year, when I was in the midst of my post op liquid diet and regretting my decision, that I would head into 2010 171 pounds lighter and with a whole new outlook on life, I never would have believed it. This surgery has led to a lot of changes in my life, changes I never anticipated. When you meet with your surgeon before surgery they say, we operate on your stomach, not your head and it is up to you to make a change in your habits in order to keep up the weight loss. I thought the surgery would be as simple as cutting me up, sewing me back together and in the end I would be skinny. Well I'm almost skinny, I'm all sewn back up, but I'm a different me. I walk into a room with confidence, I'm not embarrassed to tell people I had the surgery it makes me proud, that I did something just for me and that I have followed through, followed my rules and shaped a totally new person.

Most people have reacted positively to my weight loss, but the dynamic in some of my relationships has changed. When you were always the overweight one, some friends don't know how to handle it when you aren't anymore. Some of those friendships will survive and some of those friendships will not.

I thought I would start the new year trying for a baby with my husband, that was the goal of the surgery. Instead I will spend the next few months learning to live on my own again, finding the single me that has been overshadowed for a long long time, and finding new goals for myself. I know that I will survive and time and dedication heal and conquer all wounds. So I find myself, sad, scared, angry and excited all at the same time. My possibilities at this point are limited only by my imagination.

As promised One year Photos

Has it really been a year????

I haven't posted in two months, in fact I skipped my eleventh month update. My last post was on August 29,2009 and on August 30, 2009 my husband and I separated. It was at the same time, expected and shocking. The specific details are private between me and my husband, but I think its fair to say that we both started going in different directions and weren't able to find our way back to each other. It has been a year of constant change, and this is the beginning of another chapter in my life. MY new, you didn't want it, but here it is single life. I'm coping using more change, I got a kitten, I'm painting several rooms in the house, I've moved the furniture in my house, I've joined a gym. I wish I had profound words to say here, but I don't. There are good days and there are bad days and I hope that soon the good will out number the bad. I am grateful for the support of my friends and family, not just for their support in the last two months, but for the last year.

The bad news is the stress and the change have led to difficulties eating. Most of us are familiar with the "break up" diet, this time it has sent me 25lbs down instead of up. I am tired and I lack energy, but I'm hoping as I adjust and my appetite comes back I will level off my weight and my energy will come back up. Even now I can run circles around the girl I used to be. I'm happy to leave her behind.

A year out I find myself a different me, different in ways I never thought were problem. I have more self confidence, I never thought I lacked that, but I feel comfortable walking into a room now, I don't feel uncomfortable being the center of attention, though there are those who know me that would argue I've always enjoyed being the center of attention, I would argue that I'm pretty good at faking it.

For the first time this decade I weigh less than two hundred pounds, I don't have my one year pictures with me yet, but I promise to get them up soon. In the meantime, here's huckabee for your viewing enjoyment.

10 Months Out

It snuck up quickly on me this time and I cannot believe I am ten months out from surgery. I still wish I was smaller around the middle and I will continue to work on it, but over all every day is better than it was nine months ago.

Mini-Vacation

I went to the Biltmore Estate this weekend. It was somewhere I had been dying to go for quite a while and I finally planned a trip. This weekend they had a flower carpet display. I know my backyard will never look like that, but I do with we could have some green grass.

I did some wine tasting and after about seven tiny sips I was feeling giddy. I wasn't drunk but my days of drinking are over. Though I sober up quickly the smallest amount of alcohol makes me very tipsy, very quickly.

The Little Things

Before surgery I rarely wore jewelry, getting through the day was enough of a struggle that I didn't bother with extra's. I'm sure I portrayed an image to other people that I didn't care about myself, but I did it was just a tremendous effort to do what I was already doing; I wore makeup once a month or so, I always wore my hair up, my neck was too thick for necklaces and even the ones that did fit ended up bothering me. I also did not wear earrings, they bothered my ears, my holes had closed long ago and anything that dangled drove me nuts.

Well today I did a few things that the old me never did, put on makeup, did my hair, wore a necklace and pierced my ears.

Here are a few pictures of the results:

Things I've discovered since surgery

Its been nine months, it seems like I just wrote my 8 month update. My nieces were here this past month and the time just flew by. I have a lap, an actual lap perfect for snuggling nieces, resting papers, squeezing a coffee between my knees to put splenda in it (I admit the last thing is an act of stupidity, but we are all entitled). This was possibly the best summer I've ever had with my nieces, we left no activity undone. I am exhausted, but it is a good exhaustion, the kind that comes from having done so much you used up all your energy and not the kind of exhaustion that comes from being so overweight that every day is a struggle. Total weight loss 170 pounds.