Monday, May 3, 2010


In the last year there have been tons of changes, some significant, some more insignificant, but the one that has been most obvious other than the weight loss is my constantly changing here. Here is the newest do:

Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery

My nieces came to visit about two weeks ago. Every visit with them is a new and interesting experience, they change so much in just a few months and it is amazing to see the young ladies they are turning into. I am still shocked when these girls want to do something that is "just like me" When it comes to these girls their desire to do something like me is the sweetest thing they could ever say to me. So here are some pictures of their recent visit;

The Bird's Nest

I am very particular about my house. It has taken me months to paint a room because every inch must be perfect. In reality I should call it a day and put the room back together, but I can't let go of the expectation that it should be perfect. A few weeks ago I had decided to cut down two trees in the front yard. I got an estimate and got ready to do it, before I signed the paperwork the tree man noticed there was a bird's nest in the tree. I took the time to look at the nest out of my guest bedroom window, and sure enough I saw baby birds in the nest. The decision was made for me, the tree would stay. I find myself drawn to looking at the birds nest, watching the baby birds. The trees that had been the bane of my existence are now beautiful to me, watching the circle of life happening right outside my window. It motivated me to finally finish up the office I have been painting. I still haven't fully accepted the concept that sometimes things don't need to be perfect to be perfectly ok, but every day I work on it and come a little closer to that reality.

I have lost an incredible amount of weight in the last eighteen months, but it wasn't perfect for me, I was always looking for the next pound to lose, the next size to get into, the time for plastic surgery to roll around, I finally took a step back and realized that if I never lose another pound, if I never have plastic surgery, if I never get smaller than I am right now, I've done good enough and I'm happy with the way I am right now. Life is good.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Me vs. The Bull

After my surgery I resolved that I was going to try new activities that I have never tried before, this week I decided to ride a mechanical bull. It didn't end well. My actual injuries were not caused by riding the bull, but by the operator shoving me over the ring around the bull before the air mat was blown up. I smashed face first (from a distance of about three feet) into the concrete floor. By smashing I mean I hit the floor nose and forehead first and then since my face was plastered to the rubber, wrenched my neck when the rest of me came down. Though I am covered with some narly looking bruises, I will share the ones to my face, since they best document my stupidity. I had two drinks and a full meal before doing this, so alcohol was not a factor in this injury. I apologize that there are no pictures of my face while riding the bull, I didn't stay on long enough for my friend to catch a shot of my face. I did enjoy my two second ride, but I'm not sure I need to do it ever again. I can however cross smashing into concrete face first and riding the mechanical bull off of my bucket list :-)

I swear the beverage in my hand is unsweetened ice tea.

Mounting a Mechanical Bull is harder than it looks. I'm going to get a thigh master before I even consider doing this again!

It looked like such a tiny scratch.

This is before the pain set in and I still thought it was funny!

Then the swelling started!

So off to the hospital we went!

First night home from the hospital.

First night another angle.

Second night, there are bruises forming under my eyes, but they are hard to see on here.

Day Three!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Reasons for My Surgery

15 months out

I can't believe my surgery was 15 months ago. There have been a lifetime of changes in those 15 months. Last year at Christmas I was already feeling better about my appearance, now for the first time in a long time, I feel pretty. I walk with confidence, I'm happier, and if you can believe it more outgoing.

I saw an online post that made me think, it was someone talking about friends treating her differently after she had lost weight. I have noticed this too, but I wonder if the change is my weight or if the change is me. It is not the pounds that I have lost that have made me look so different, it is the internal struggles, the inability to deal with negative emotions, and the time I am taking to learn new coping skills. So while you see a thinner body the change is in my eyes, my face, and my smile, the glow you see now wasn't there before, but I hope it never goes away. Of course I have many pictures as usual, I let my five year old niece take these, so I hope you all can appreciate her artistic vision.

Happy New Year!!

Its been a while since I posted but life gets away from you like that sometimes. I was worried that this holiday would be hard, but it was actually the easiest one I've had in a while, I went out to dinner with my parents and had a wonderful time just the three of us, like it was for so many years before I became an "adult" and decided to take the world on my own. My parents have been such a great source of strength these last few months. I have always had a close relationship with my parent's but I've never been the type to lean on anyone, my dad didn't raise any china dolls and I've always been determined to never act broken. I never knew that by giving up some control and leaning on them, that I would feel more centered than I have in a long time. As the holidays and the new year came upon me I felt a sense of peace and in my quiet moments I realized, I am happy. My life has changed in ways I never thought it would, and the future that I planned so carefully in my twenties has been replaced with a new zest for life. I've grown closer and reconnected with some old friends and have made some wonderful new friends.

Over the last eight years I had lost myself, I had molded my personality to try and and make it work with who everyone else wanted me to be, this year my commitment to myself (no more resolutions) is to be true to who I am, to keep the shoes that fit and move on from the ones that don't. I'm going to give more than I take, take only what I need, and offer others all that I can, no matter how things turn out the balance will always be in my favor. In my new life, and in the rediscovering of the old me I'm all in or I'm not in at all.

My nieces came down for their typical Christmas visit and we had a wonderful time. They are ten and five now and being with them is so easy and fun, though I admit I miss those cuddly baby days and a child that would fall asleep in your arms, but in exchange I have two nieces that I absolutely adore and who love me, to be loved wholly by a child is an indescribable feeling.

My sister and I and some other good friends went to First Night Raleigh, which is Raleigh's version of Times Square, we had some really good conversation, saw a really bad comedy improv show, made fun of Mia for taking so many pictures, and rang in the new year full of happiness and hope.