Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Reasons for My Surgery

15 months out

I can't believe my surgery was 15 months ago. There have been a lifetime of changes in those 15 months. Last year at Christmas I was already feeling better about my appearance, now for the first time in a long time, I feel pretty. I walk with confidence, I'm happier, and if you can believe it more outgoing.

I saw an online post that made me think, it was someone talking about friends treating her differently after she had lost weight. I have noticed this too, but I wonder if the change is my weight or if the change is me. It is not the pounds that I have lost that have made me look so different, it is the internal struggles, the inability to deal with negative emotions, and the time I am taking to learn new coping skills. So while you see a thinner body the change is in my eyes, my face, and my smile, the glow you see now wasn't there before, but I hope it never goes away. Of course I have many pictures as usual, I let my five year old niece take these, so I hope you all can appreciate her artistic vision.

Happy New Year!!

Its been a while since I posted but life gets away from you like that sometimes. I was worried that this holiday would be hard, but it was actually the easiest one I've had in a while, I went out to dinner with my parents and had a wonderful time just the three of us, like it was for so many years before I became an "adult" and decided to take the world on my own. My parents have been such a great source of strength these last few months. I have always had a close relationship with my parent's but I've never been the type to lean on anyone, my dad didn't raise any china dolls and I've always been determined to never act broken. I never knew that by giving up some control and leaning on them, that I would feel more centered than I have in a long time. As the holidays and the new year came upon me I felt a sense of peace and in my quiet moments I realized, I am happy. My life has changed in ways I never thought it would, and the future that I planned so carefully in my twenties has been replaced with a new zest for life. I've grown closer and reconnected with some old friends and have made some wonderful new friends.

Over the last eight years I had lost myself, I had molded my personality to try and and make it work with who everyone else wanted me to be, this year my commitment to myself (no more resolutions) is to be true to who I am, to keep the shoes that fit and move on from the ones that don't. I'm going to give more than I take, take only what I need, and offer others all that I can, no matter how things turn out the balance will always be in my favor. In my new life, and in the rediscovering of the old me I'm all in or I'm not in at all.

My nieces came down for their typical Christmas visit and we had a wonderful time. They are ten and five now and being with them is so easy and fun, though I admit I miss those cuddly baby days and a child that would fall asleep in your arms, but in exchange I have two nieces that I absolutely adore and who love me, to be loved wholly by a child is an indescribable feeling.

My sister and I and some other good friends went to First Night Raleigh, which is Raleigh's version of Times Square, we had some really good conversation, saw a really bad comedy improv show, made fun of Mia for taking so many pictures, and rang in the new year full of happiness and hope.